Sometimes the Boar Eats You
Feb 20th
Dearest Angeline,
On the 12th of May, pack your essentials and the board the train to Calvington. You’ll pack seven bathing suits, whereas my cunning self shall pack none. Note that we shall spend one week with the Livington-Grambles and then head out to Wembley where Lord Morrie Tad Barbie shall host us. Oh, how you [...]
Swag
Apr 23rd
Renting a van with two of your closest co-workers. Taking that 8-5 anxiety and compressing it — jamming it inside an 80-mile-per-hour overloaded grocery-go-getter.
The distinct aroma of greasy McDonald’s wrappers, the surround smell of styrofoam enriched coffee, and bladders on the turbulent brink.
Putter-purring engine, strip club billboards shouting, ‘FREE SHOWERS FOR TRUCKERS’, and silence.
We make [...]
Penguin Perils
Apr 13th
Beep…Beep…Beep…’Oh no,’ I inwardly groaned. It was my watch. ‘Always with the beeping.’ I thought unhappily. ‘Some day, I’ll figure out how to change that.’
I slowly and involuntarily made to get out of bed. The big problem was, I wasn’t lying on a bed. I opened my eyes and saw…sky? ‘That can’t be right,’ I [...]
Full Circle On-Ramp
Jan 2nd
Essentials only. Clothes, toiletries (no shampoo, soap, or towel- that’s what the Super 8 is for). Packing is to road trips as taking cover is to Chuck Pfarrer; do it any sooner than absolutely necessary and it just isn’t cool anymore. The same goes for how much to pack. No caffeine, it’s a diuretic. Trips [...]
TWINKIE™’S REVENGE – The Pickle From Hell
Sep 15th
A freckle-faced kid, incongruous in the city scene, dressed in ratty overalls and a faded, torn plaid shirt, holds a hand-made tree branch slingshot in his hand. He looks up, realizing he’s extended a silver-platter invitation to the wrath of the demonic dill.
Yard Sell
Jun 27th
9:00 and it’s already hot — surrounding our trinket-strewn lawnscape with a twinkling, sulfuric haze. The Calusa once cultivated this land. This time of day, they’d already be in full swing: carrying fresh water, building huts, and hauling fish. But, here we are still scrambling to promote and stage scattered buffets of consumer bloat.
I’m wincing, [...]
Between a Nail & a Hammer
Jun 11th
“Well, you’re awful brave,” said the man next to me sluggishly, perhaps even drunkenly, as I pondered what in the world my problem was. My hands did not shake. My respiration was regular. The only evidence that I was not cool as a cucumber were my eyes, owlishly large and flitting back [...]
The Call of the Zulu
Feb 26th
My teeth actually chattered as the wave of beer crashed over my red face. Clothing had fallen under the jurisdiction of a tree-climbing rugby hobbit. A circle of large, hairy trolls stood complicit — I in the center — as they chanted “ZULU, ZULU, ZULU.” These things just happen so fast…
Some people want an identity, [...]
Masochistic Burnout
Feb 1st
I walked timidly up the steps to the pale blue door. The sign said “NO SOLICITORS.” I turned back as the Aerostar pulled away — no backing down now. Afterall, this was a friend’s house. A little social anxiety never killed anybody.
The doorbell glowed yellow — I stared at it blankly for a spell. I [...]
Bored in Budapest
Jan 12th
To be accurate, it was just Buda. Pest, I hear, is a whole ‘nother animal…
Mike and I loped down the dark street. We’d taken leave of the girls pajama partying it up in our Hungarian studio apartment. Call it a half loft…make it a fourth. They would snuggle up with the bottle of wine and [...]
Revenge of Bakkula
Oct 20th
I put the pedal to the floor on my 1992 Camaro and stared straight into the fuel charged haze of the HOV lane. The place: suburban Dallas…Irving; the time: 11:00 am. DJ’s eyes were wide with nodoze terrors. His arms gyrated seemingly out of their sockets to the salsa rhythm on the radio.
“Take a look [...]
Oh No!
Oct 1st
Once upon a time in a land not far from here, in a regular American state, in a regular American town, in a regular American suburban neighborhood, a group of regular American kids were playing the regular American game of cricket in the neighborhood park. Careless childhood screams echoed through the late golden afternoon [...]
