Walked to the living room lit a cig, took two drags, nearly puked

Slight static tingle morphed to full on aura that zapped my entire nervous system

Nature’s own electroconvulsive therapy

Thankful for fortitude to let the dog out in boxer briefs no less

Collapse on couch until the anxiety of calling in overwhelms

Light and sound singe the nerves to my stomach signaling a process not unlike a washing machine cycle.

Let all the right people know that I will not be there

Pop a Klonopin, two Lamictal, follow with a tall Pizza Express cup of ice water

Collapse again, pull the Martha Stewart comforter over my head, pray for silence

Sleep for ten hours

It’s me,

Seventy-

four

Out from

behind

mDesk

You might rec

ognize me

with my

shoulders like

this

who knew i

would walk out

and sing,

dag, yo

i like

it out

here

the wheels and

the trees

sun

more gin

please

The wolf’s inside your head.

There’s nowhere to run, little red.
Nowhere to hide.

No safe place to abide.

and a half baby steps from the ledge

sixteen and three quarter breathes from impending death

another life wasted

forty seven feet from painting the snow red

with alcohol thinned blood from my beanie covered forehead

flowing scarlet drops down the sewage drain

like every opportunity I’ve wasted

and relationships I’ve ruined

finally

seeing my mistakes translucently plain

never been a saintly son

or a

truthful

or honest

or even caring friend

never close to being a respectable person

only a fuck up like me can botch their own suicide

felt like I was placed here wrongfully like genocide

another second chance to extent this never ending opportunity of redemption list

wish that list seized to exsist

then i would end my half-assed redemption plan bullshit

can’t learn from the past so I don’t need the present

nor the future

nor an afterlife

as i yearn for impending purgatory

my time here defined as the opposite of years glory

twenty eight years and ten months of ambivalent apathetic excellence

unwarranted arrogance fueled by immaturely ignorant ideals

as the snow melts around my collar

the water runs and tickles down my chest

my phone continues to vibrate

likely the bank again reminding me that my account is worth negative thirty-seven dollars

and fifty three cents

spine now paralyzed, left arm

fractured. just like my life

ruined

ambulance sirens arrive, they don’t sound like Ulysses’ sirens

or Penelope

they wretchedly whistle wildly as i weep

hope they can’t put Humpty Dumpty Lukie back together

I’ve had enough of myself

and don’t want to hurt anyone else

as they place me on the stretcher board

the EMT asks who to call and I have no one

that I haven’t hurt or double crossed

and the saddest thing sinks in my fading conscious

my casualty catalog is overlong as it stands

but I never allowed my lover list to begin

as I pray for death, the sirens, after a short rest

commence to sing

again

want to speak her native language

but i forgot all the Spanish I ever learned

Kent usually digs his status of loner

but know he wants to be Woody Allen or Javier Bardem

and she can be my Vicky Cristina Barcelona

we’ve been trying to date for like two years now

but either she had a man or i had a girl

well worth the wait, this girl is opposite of the random run of the mill

trying to play it slow with this fine Mexican princess

it’s hard to keep my feelings inside

butterflies in my stomach every single time I see her face, my brain now a mess

one thing for sure: baby girl was surely blessed

beauty, grace, intelligence and compassion displayed on her chest

she waves that yellow Terrible Towel and cheers Polamalu

normally looking at other girls, but now I only want you

Ale seems like a female star in my lucid dream

much smarter than me, but she doesn’t flaunt it

she schools me on Mexican culture and customs

asking her about her Torreon family back home

the way she lights up when she talks about family

shows me she’s genuine, lack of materialistic motives in her beautiful dome

scrolls through pictures of her young nephew on her purple iPhone

love going out to the club with her, but yearning for us to be alone

counting the minutes and seconds until it’s me and she

opening my personality, she makes my overtly cluttered head free

no worries about saying the right thing, no need to hide my puppy love glee

she’s burning up the room like Me, You and Dupree

yet sexier than Kate Hudson, i’ll be her A-Rod

World Series, bottom of the 9^th inning now: she makes me clutch like Johnny Lod-

den

unique, she’s vastly different than these other female frauds

tonite we might make snow angels with her sis and my nephew

or we could just light up the fireplace

in her loving, endearing embrace

your boy Benson, stubborn at love: finally, honestly, convincingly feels safe

(Maxwell playing)

“They be tryin to bring you flowers”…

will leave you taking ice cold showers

dreaming about entering Kent’s dapper trousers

Benson has more glove than Jeff Blauser

shortstop, Atlanta Braves, double play

you and your girl are out!

had your chance, any doubts?

but your ego was far too high in the clouds

only mine can be that high due to my conceited clout

Bass Master Kent eroded the lake, taking all their fresh trout

wrapped his net around your soaking, fish stinking head

stomach skinny, ribs showing, like for months you haven’t hunted smaller chum or been bait fed

out of the water, the Kid compliments all day, turning your cheeks a slight tone of red

until he loses interest, throws you back, then tears your heart slowly bled

now attacking you in dreams like Kreuger, Fred

Nightmare on Elm Street

nightmare on your street when i knocked you off your narrow, nimble feet

wanted to be at the front of young Benson’s expanding fleet

ahead of the other girl’s rocking his ragged, Mick Jagger beat

now, you’re constantly hating him, calling him a creep

Radiohead, Pablo Honey or OK Computer?

Kent is more like the Roots, OKAYPLAYER

you got your fix, i got more than what deserved to be mine

be mad about it, i just smile coyly, like usual,  because i’m fine

with it

been hurt too many fucking times

by dimes like you

but once i clean y’all off, there is no luster and definitely no shine

just attractive features, nothing genuine on the inside

really dug you, was never lying

i’ve just belted and yelled McCartney’s “Oh! Darling” too many times

these shallow girls made my weak brain insane

checking into the cheapest psych ward in my sight, plain

find the address, Goggle Map it and arrive the same day

and every girl i mentioned is sitting in the entrance window frame

(Geto Boys playing)

“Damn homey, my mind is playing tricks on me”…

-power off-

never could handle my criminal flow

hypocrite

she loved the jewelry and tight clothes

dinners, movies and dessert

vacations, handbags and fresh rides

but hated suspect customers and friends

Benson was just trying to make ends

meet

clean Air Force Ones on his feet

she slipped out like tires on sleet

covered concrete

back to Carolina she flew

the Kid: punches he threw

G’s he collected

pointless females he connected

with, trying to replace his queen

mansions he erected

drug game he perfected

then that skinny kid rolled up

knots in Kent’s stomach when his eyes met mine

she hid him from me for thirteen years

he escaped the South in search of me, and fear

now he sees me on the corner

role model, initially he didn’t find

initially angry, I said he wasn’t mine

treated my flesh and blood anything but kind

never had a father, so give me time

i told him

no idea how to raise a kid

bought him fresh fabric for his lid

took him under my weathered wing

he learned the streets

hustled at the swap meets

smoking like his dad

once in my life, Kent was glad

to have a partner

in crime

making up for severe lost time

my son-my best friend

back on the corner

back to my grind

stuck in some shit, or a bind

Benson Jr. in an argument

rush in to save my baby boy

a bullet met my misshaped dome

saved him, but know I’m alone

again

in purgatory for my life of sin

finally caught up with Benson

love you to death Junior

know i taught you wrong

but that is all your pops knew

take care of your moms

and i’ll see you soon…

two hits of American Spirit

before the filter

watching the planes come in

where did they come from?

easy to stay stagnant

but it’s impossible to leave

brave souls use airplanes to travel

my feet remain stuck in Indiana gravel

about to unravel

finish my nicotine

oh shit

another lucid dream?

is that a UFO above me

captivating lights, my eyes still red yet focused

distracted by the sounds of a locust

watching this UFO hover

moving closer, the lights become blinding

hovering in the sky

do i throw up or cry?

still entranced, eyes blurry

so i head inside

nonbelievers quickly shoot down my observations

paranoid, and now losing my patience

slip into her bed, contemplating my vision

is it the shrooms or did i just witness some paranormal shit

man

i gotta quit my sinning

help my eyes get clear

but that’s also what i fear

my life without hallucinogenic vision

is a scary thought

close my eyelids

like i had just fought

my dreams will even me out

or steadily increase my doubt

in Benson’s sanity

back in your arms, you sold

out

who are you now?

a pawn in their game

oh, you changed your last name

thanks for the invite

used to start the party

now end party your eyes incite

did you just get bored or did the fright

of not being married take you over

follow your friends, you always did

now they’re housewives and miserable

now you’re a soccer mom and also liable

for being lame and anything but unique

used to be wild, always a freak

now you lay constantly missionary between the sheets

used to date originals, now, you’re with a creep

no personality, but hey, he’s making more G’s than me, right?

be happy

that green will keep you warm

except when you need real love

then you text Benson

wishing his fingers were carousing your hips

and exploring those moist lips

should have went with the Kid that’s legit

but you quit

took the safe route

go ahead and ignore all your hindsight doubts

stuck on her from the start

never fallen like this, somehow i can’t part

got me stealing kisses like Ben Harper

like Danny Devito from Anne Archer

It’s Always Sunny in Phildelphia

she defined me like an encylopedia

her skin felt like fiction

instead of friction, we now have tension

because Benson’s a walking contradiction

like one of his pieces with no diction

stuck on one girl, with so many more options

he loves her style, but Kent has caution

hurt him once, my fault, but feel like I don’t have a second chance

he rocks the jukebox, but she doesn’t want to dance

she says no and i dance like a whiteboy, but her saying no puts me in that persistent trance

the Kid deserves one more chance

to steal her heart

and this time, treat her right

distant from hear near view sight

he is the one

she can’t see it yet

but if she will let

him back in, she knows it will be right

and no more fist fights

he’s over his frights

and just wants her to be his tonite…

Benson is back on the corner, dropping dimes like Kurt Warner

or Steve Nash, he’s counting that cash

hand shaking those rocks, that weed, whatever the feins need

just trying to succeed, but my actions make my heart bleed

when I was locked up, I was trying to conceed

and retire from trapping

material ambitions relapse my previous actions

it’s all Benson knows

and I need the Benjy’s to keep the strippers clapping

damn, why am I sapping

back to business, new customer in sight

not much cash in hand and his face full of fright

little guy looks about 14, but this ain’t an amusement park ride

no height requirements or age limit

free trade on these streets, that’s how I’m living

the powder in his hands, glare into his eyes

they looked like my dad’s

only met pops sparingly, but his pupils permenately stained my memory

pay the kid no mind, back to my grind

week two of being back on the block, money in my pocket

the strippers are back on Benson’s lock

waist filled with steak and a shiny new glock

new books in my library like Sherlock

Holmes and I’m memorizing new ryhmes in my dome

no time to write, I just recite

here goes that kid again with the light

skin and familar eyes, dude acts like he knows me

ask him his name, he says B.J.R.L.

short for Benson J.R. Lucas

stunned, I just mutter, “what the fuck?”

to someone

know i will in my extended run

how long will my run be

how old will my son be

still unborn

he’s just like his dad: not breathing and a faceful of sad

my unborn lad, never falls for any fad, unlike his dad

he’s more like MJ, the boy is bad

this kid will change my life, now I need a wife

my son needs to have a mom and I know best

cause I never had a dad

had an ATM machine

but he has no emotion

got a good right fist, always left my left lip open

and bleeding, Kent seething

no breathing, knocked out in the evening

never take revenge, dude was never my friend

so no revenge to be had, but the shit is still making Benson sad

like Meth said, “FUCK THE WORLD, DON’T ASK ME FOR SHIT!!!”

i need to get lit

and forget this mindstate

haven’t been this depressed since the month numbered eight

was doing pretty good, but only a friend could do this to me

when he’s fucking best friend’s ex-girlfriends and then he grabs my girl

don’t know how i didn’t hit him

my blood still boiling, his face should be overflowing and oiling

with bruises and cuts, should have fucked his ass up

but he’s got no guts

or soul

or morals

or convictions

i’ve seen him do it to others, but now it’s in my life, no fiction

now glad i didn’t hit him and make a scene

and ruin my real friend’s wedding like a surreal dream

close friends become intense enemies

but I know who my real friends be

Laylowe and David J.

we ride until the end and watch each other’s back

it’s us against the world like Pac

let’s not fuck it up like him and B.I.G.

we will go to our graves

just the big three

Amigos

we’ve rocked hoes

and stole hearts

three

best

friends

fron the start

had other fellas

jealous

don’t ever part on me, fellas

anytime we’ve missed apart

let’s not regret it

love you boys for life, don’t ever forget it!!!…