one

and a half baby steps from the ledge

sixteen and three quarter breathes from impending death

another life wasted

forty seven feet from painting the snow red

with alcohol thinned blood from my beanie covered forehead

flowing scarlet drops down the sewage drain

like every opportunity I’ve wasted

and relationships I’ve ruined

finally

seeing my mistakes translucently plain

never been a saintly son

or a

truthful

or honest

or even caring friend

never close to being a respectable person

only a fuck up like me can botch their own suicide

felt like I was placed here wrongfully like genocide

another second chance to extent this never ending opportunity of redemption list

wish that list seized to exsist

then i would end my half-assed redemption plan bullshit

can’t learn from the past so I don’t need the present

nor the future

nor an afterlife

as i yearn for impending purgatory

my time here defined as the opposite of years glory

twenty eight years and ten months of ambivalent apathetic excellence

unwarranted arrogance fueled by immaturely ignorant ideals

as the snow melts around my collar

the water runs and tickles down my chest

my phone continues to vibrate

likely the bank again reminding me that my account is worth negative thirty-seven dollars

and fifty three cents

spine now paralyzed, left arm

fractured. just like my life

ruined

ambulance sirens arrive, they don’t sound like Ulysses’ sirens

or Penelope

they wretchedly whistle wildly as i weep

hope they can’t put Humpty Dumpty Lukie back together

I’ve had enough of myself

and don’t want to hurt anyone else

as they place me on the stretcher board

the EMT asks who to call and I have no one

that I haven’t hurt or double crossed

and the saddest thing sinks in my fading conscious

my casualty catalog is overlong as it stands

but I never allowed my lover list to begin

as I pray for death, the sirens, after a short rest

commence to sing

again