Essentials only. Clothes, toiletries (no shampoo, soap, or towel- that’s what the Super 8 is for). Packing is to road trips as taking cover is to Chuck Pfarrer; do it any sooner than absolutely necessary and it just isn’t cool anymore. The same goes for how much to pack. No caffeine, it’s a diuretic. Trips like these generally last about a week- pack for five, maybe four days. Who changes on the road? Go to Travelocity for unlimited miles, cruise control, good MPG and AC for under two hundred bucks. Toss the luggage in the trunk, the picnic basket with several bottles of water and cold-cut material goes in the backseat. Full tank of gas, check. United States road atlas, check. Get on the interstate. Now for the fun part- where to go? It could be North, South, West, or- that’s it until further north. Nothing east of here. Hit the cruise control at four mph over the limit, check the cars close by for clothes hung inside the window, luggage, maybe pillows… Minnesota license plate, perfect. In fifty or so miles they get the idea and cruise along right behind. Single-serving travel buddy, as Tyler’s real self (Chuck?) would say. Stop only for gas, and then only at a quarter tank or less, use those stops to pee and make a sandwich or two for the road. Speed ten over before running out of on-ramp, morons in the right lane refuse to budge- swerve in anyway.

“JESUS!” that one screams, silently through the glass and wind. Why’s it gotta be Jesus? I like Jesus. How ’bout I use your religious figure to swear with?
“MOHAMMED!”
Try that for size. Need a new travel-buddy now. Definitely rule out the truckers- they’re about as loyal to non-truckers as George was to Lennie. Buddha H. frickin’ Jones, that one nearly ran me over.

Turn on the radio and hit the scan button to shut them up. There’s Minnesota again, wave and say hi. Double-serving this time, very rare.
“RIGHT NOW YOU CAN GET A BRAND NEW TOYOTA-”
“CAUSE HE’S THE REASON FOR THE TEARDROPS ON MY-”
“- legs were amputated after a grenade-”
“- PUT A HOLE WHERE MY HEART SHOULD BE- EE-EE…”

Hit SCAN again to stop the cycle, hold the 1 to save that station to preset. Don’t know why, since trying to listen to a radio station on the interstate for any extended period of time is like trying to jump on a moving train (and the train is a mirage, speeding from static to Fergie to more static). Song’s over. The DJ makes some stupid joke involving sound effects and a guy getting hit by a car- hey, those are funny… – and one of the five hundred million songs that involve several references to bitches, hoes, hoods, “D’s”, cribs, bling, and of course “lovin’ ” comes on. Joseph Smith, I hate that stuff.

SCAN

A few hours later, there’s under a quarter tank left and it’s getting to be time for some “real” food-Subway is as far as that goes at gas stops. This one has a McDonald’s, and I grudgingly pull in, fill up, park, and walk inside. The line is almost as long and painful as the to-date casualty count. I never was one for euphemisms. But that was a hyperbole. It was nearly as long and painful as a trip to the throne after a week of sausage pizza. Finally, at the front of the line-
“Number Three Meal, please” -without inflection, the give- me- my- food- (crap)- I’ll- PayPass- and- go kind of statement.
A slow sigh, flips her hair back. I feel like the Oracle. Kind of cute… not too bright though.
“Do you want a drink and fries with that?”
A mental double-take. Drink? And fries? AND a meal? What’ll they think of next?
“Uh, yeah.”
She checks her watch, and I wish I had eyes in the front of her head. As if I’m the one holding us up. Where the hell is management? Oh wait, she is…
“You wann that for heah ‘ah t’ go?”
“To go.” With a little inflection on the go, meaning, do I need to light a match under your pretty butt or are you going to hurry up?
“Anything else?”
Will it be a clean guillotine? Apparently not- wait, Jeanine, let me stick my neck in a little further-
“Actually, yeahletmechangeouthatdrinkforacoffee.”
Instant regret. Now I’ve got the worn, torn, line-battered survivors behind me glaring like they recognize me from last night’s episode of To Catch a Predator. Boy, I can forget catching up to the Minnesot’ns now.
“Fuh hee’ah ta go?”
Bite back the sarcasm.
“To go.”
“Cream and sugar?”
“Two of each.”
“Fuh hee’ah ta go?”
Are you serious? There’s no holding his one down.
“NAW, I’ll drink the cream and sugar here and take the coffee.”
Now suddenly I’m the bad guy. A steely glare from Cutie McStupid.
“Of course, sir, I’ll be glad to take care of that for you.”
Hokay, don’t get all wet over it or anything. Thank God- no, thank Visa- for PayPass. I’m not too sure God concerned himself too much with that part of the credit company. Though if He did, well, then that figures.
She turns around, heads to the back- I can see it in my ESP now- special instructions for the number 3 with coffee. McLoogie is what I asked for. A few minutes (weeks) later I get the food in a bag, and the cream and sugar on a tray. Ouch. She learned her sarcasm in Mime 101. I slide the whole shebang into the trash can- bin- thing- (SHUT UP!) on the way out. Not sure which part got the hawker but it doesn’t pay to find out the hard way.
Hey, that rhymed. You could make a million bucks like that you know- just add some pimpin’.

Back on the I-(insert random number between anything and anything else here). Heading away, but frankly my dear, I don’t think we’re in Kansas anymore staying right in the same situation. This isn’t solving a thing. So much for a quick getaway for the week. Swerve around the Buick (are they having an orgy in there or is that a pack of dogs in a rave party?) with the dark tints and make a U-turn on one of those convenient dirt medians that have the sign on it that says…

AUTHORIZED VEHICLES ONLY

Make that an illegal U-turn. Cops these days have the whole Hollywood thing going- you know, Lights, Camera, Action. The safety bumps on the emergency lane let me know I’m pulling over, which would’ve been great if I hadn’t actually noticed that myself. Don’t get me wrong, they’re a great feature- but who likes getting asked for
“License, insurance and registration please.”
I’m always cautious around cops. Some of them can get pretty antsy.
“They’re in the glove box…”
Reaching over, pulling the lever and opening it slowly. Reach in and pull out the papers, slower still until it’s all in plain sight. Look up, but this guy wasn’t even paying attention.
“Officer?”
“Uh, right.”
He takes them, goes back to his car and puts me into his Criminal Database that will forever leave me under intense scrutiny by every state officer who passes by. He comes back a few minutes later with his rugged laptop (because you never know when the coffee’s gonna spill) and says,
“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
Yup, I got the frostiest donut in the box. Never say yes, they’re just trying to make you confess to something else they can charge you with (milk you for more money).
“No sir.”
“You took that U-turn back there, the one with the sign that says NO UNAUTHORIZED VEHICLES.”
Was that what it said?
“Oh.”
“Sign here please, thisisnotanadmissionofguiltyouarejustacknowledgingthatyoureceivedthisticket.”
I make an X on the blank spot on the screen, just to piss him off. He doesn’t notice, just hands me a ticket.
“Righthere’salistofyourpaymentorcourtoptionshaveaniceday.” All business and polite. When I contest this in court, I will truthfully say
“No, Your Honor, that is not my signature”
and get off. No, I don’t remember if someone had borrowed my license… it was a month ago. If the rental company finds out someone else was driving the car, though, there’ll be hell to pay (where Hell=$600 per day). Dawg, I’m tellin’ you, all you need is your grandma’s car jacked up on twenty-four inch wheels and painted sparkly purple…

Back in town the next morning, I turn in the car and get prorated weekly charges on the car, a pittance. Avis probably thought I gypped them. I consider paying for a full two days- what would Confucius do?- but decide against even thinking about it. I was going to go for a week, but changed my mind. Deal with it. The urge to pee hits me suddenly and I think, oddly, that I’m out of lunch meat and haven’t had any pizza lately.